I’m home sick and have been working from bed because I feel like hell but finally got the energy to relocate to the office and found this on my desk. Made me feel a billion times better than the Sudafed did.
Taught my 5-year-old about silent letters tonight as he pondered why “knuckles” starts with a k, but has an “n” sound. Immediately after my introduction of silent letters into his life, he began referring to all non-silent letters as “noisy letters,” which is so fucking adorable and makes my heart tingle with happy.
Was at the mall today and they had tiles painted by children on the wall of the hallway leading to the restrooms. Little Tim’s was my favorite.
Bathroom needed fresh art so I made this guy.
He brings me coffee in bed every morning. A steaming cup of beautifully dark coffee is waiting to assist in my gaining of consciousness, but that’s not the best part.
I wake up to him smiling at me with genuine excitement that I’m finally awake because he wants to see me. He’s excited to see me even though I’ve been snoring and drooling and my hair looks like squirrels had a fuckfest in it and there’s a sleep line in the shape of a swastika on my face.
And he tells me I’m beautiful. He means it. And he’s crazy for meaning it because there’s squirrel jizz all over my head and I’m snarling like a Grandma in a smoky casino at the alarm clock he’s been tolerating me hitting snooze on for the past hour.
Waking up to coffee being delivered to you in bed is pretty much the most awesome thing ever, but the way he’s looking at me through the steam is somehow even better.
The kids and I built a new napkin holder tonight.
Being the other woman to addiction is worse than being the other woman to an actual woman. Because being incoherently passed out on the bathroom floor will never be prettier than you – it’s not funnier, it doesn’t even have a better personality – but it will always win. You can’t compete.
Every day I put 10 M&Ms in two cups - one for each kid. Every time they fight or act up, they lose M&Ms. However many they end the day with, they get to eat BEFORE breakfast in the a.m. Candy BEFORE breakfast? Heaven to a kid. If they make it to the end of the day with all 10 M&Ms, they get a mini Reese’s cup too. Today is the first day they both got Reese’s.
My daughter and mom were playing Barbies as I left this a.m. Think my mom’s Barbie is asking my daughter’s if she’s found Jesus yet.
I was smoking a cigarette outside my office today when a fella came over and asked for a light. Not an uncommon interruption in NYC. I’m not an asshole all the time, so I obliged. Grateful, he told me to hold on and began fishing around in his satchel (man purse — murse, if you will) like a Grandma searching for a Werther’s. I stood by politely, wondering how lending someone a lighter had made me a prisoner on a public sidewalk. His arm completely disappeared into the murse like a modern-day Mary Poppins, before he withdrew it, holding a bottle of shampoo.
"Here," he said, handing me the shampoo.
"Umm, okay. It’s shampoo," I said.
"Yup. Shampoo. It goes in your hair."
"Cool. I use shampoo. Thanks."
"Thanks for the light!"
"Have a good one."